I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Randomize
