I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
