You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
