I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
