Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
