The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
