So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
