Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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