My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
