He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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