I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize