im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
