Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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