apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
