So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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