he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
