apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
They are going to name an STD after you.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
