I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize