It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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