You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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