he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
