Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
