i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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