I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
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