Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
