Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I didn't notice because vodka
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
