He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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