i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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