Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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