So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
