She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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