I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize