If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
