I want to have your abortion
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
