I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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