Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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