I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
