I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
