Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
