You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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