How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Farmville is her only friend.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
