Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Randomize
