I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
