if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
