She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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