I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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