My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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