Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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