FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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