One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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