I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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