i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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