Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
