i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
