It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
