sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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