i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
