This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
