i think my mom watched the whole time
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
