3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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