I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
