Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
