Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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