i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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