My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
