You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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