Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
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